Meet The Conservative ‘Avengers’ Speaking At CPAC This Week
The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) began in earnest on Wednesday, so get ready for the usual conga-line of YouTube videos featuring various guest speakers saying obnoxious things. It’s an annual tradition: members of Congress as well as characters from the conservative entertainment complex gather together to troll both liberals and Normals with their special brand of nearsighted bumper sticker sloganeering and thinly-disguised grifting.
Meanwhile, CPAC premiered a special promotional desktop wallpaper for the event (building a bridge to Windows 95?) featuring all of its top-shelf guest speakers. But it’s no ordinary poster. It’s obviously designed to look like a one-sheet for Marvel’s The Avengers.
Of course, this poster raises an important question: what exactly are the superpowers for each of these conservative CPAC Avengers?
Ben Carson’s Superpower: The Mysterious Doctor Token. Carson can employ his force-field powers to shield far-right allies against accusations of racism, especially when he materializes on conservative talk radio shows as the host’s “black friend.” If you’re a conservative who’s accused of saying something racist, just invoke the catchphrase: “What about Doctor Ben Carson? He’s black.” And WHOOSH! ZAP! The Doctor will appear to valiantly smite every social justice warrior in your Twitter feed.
John Bolton’s Superpower: The Mustache Rider. Don’t make John Bolton angry by praising the virtues of the United Nations — you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry about the United Nations. When outraged, Bolton’s mustache quadruples in size, then flies off on a rampage, smashing anything resembling the New World Order.
Laura Ingraham’s Superpower: The Acid Queen. After insisting that man-made climate change is a hoax, an errant ultraviolet beam from Earth’s yellow Sun broke through the thick layer of atmospheric CO2 and enveloped Ingraham, mutating her bile ducts and allowing her spit massive streams of acidic spooge, capable of melting both the skin and the IQ of her enemies.
Rick Santorum’s Superpower…CONTINUE READING
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By: Bob Cesca
Bob Cesca is the managing editor at The Daily Banter (www.thedailybanter.com) and a Huffington Post contributor since 2005. He's worked in journalism since 1988 as a print writer/editor, a radio news anchor, a digital media columnist/editor, a book author and blogger. He's the co-host of the Bubble Genius Bob & Chez Show podcast and a Thursday regular on the syndicated Stephanie Miller Show. He's appeared on numerous other radio shows including the John Phillips Show and Geraldo Rivera Show in Los Angeles. Bob has been a commentator/analyst on the BBC (TV and radio), MSNBC, Current TV, CNN and Sky News. Following him on Twitter: @bobcesca_go
4 responses to Meet The Conservative ‘Avengers’ Speaking At CPAC This Week
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Hirightnow February 26th, 2015 at 10:03
Let’s see….
Iron Man: rich, conceited, made money from weapons sales, hates the thought of the Government controlling him, but has no problems when it happens to others (and he even helps!)
Hulk: filled with rage, ruins everything he touches (including entire cities), just wants the Government to leave him alone
Black Widow: Assassin, changed political loyalties to feel better about herself, actively involved in taking down the nation’s top security agency.
Hawkeye: conceited, basically useless, though good with weapons, worked for a time as consultant with an enemy of America, then came back to work for our side
Captain America: fossil from the past who needs a notebook to keep up with today’s culture, claims to have fought Hitler personally.
Why not just hire the REAL Avengers? They’re Republican enough as it is.
arc99 February 26th, 2015 at 12:17
For all intents and purposes, this annual gathering is held in Washington DC although in recent years, they have chosen a facility just outside of town in suburban Maryland.
I have to wonder though, if they are so gung-ho in being conservative, why do they have this gathering in a blue state? Why not some solid red locale like Oklahoma or Mississippi?
Hotel and convention space would certainly be cheaper. Maybe they just need to make it easy for corporate media to cover. If they held the event in some out of the way red state, the major news networks would likely not provide nearly as much coverage, and it would be a lot more clear that most of America, including all of the sane part couldn care less about the shenanigans in this annual circle jerk.
Although as I mentioned yesterday, I might show up to lurk at one of these in the near future. The 2017 event with a newly elected President H.R. Clinton would be perfect. I will even bring some beer for them to cry in.
booker25 February 26th, 2015 at 11:38
Same crap different year
fahvel February 26th, 2015 at 14:49
we have a guillotine here albeit a bit rusty but with a little wd 40 and some love, it’ll do the job.