SCHMALFELDT’S SATYRICON: NFL Clamps Down On Player Discipline When Defensive End Reveals Freezer Full Of Corpses

“Enough is enough,” soon-to-be-outgoing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told a press conference Saturday after Dallas Cowboy Pro Bowl defensive end Rudolph “Red” Ruffansore was arrested and charged with 18 counts of felony murder and mutilation of a corpse after a tip led police to his Mesquite, Texas, home where they found a walk-in freezer filled with 18 frozen corpses and partial corpses.

Dead Former Cowboys Coach Tom Landry could not be reached for comment.

“Red” Ruffansore is a six-time Pro Bowl selectee for the Cowboys, for whom he has been on the roster since 2007. He led the league in quarterback sacks last year, while racking up the most personal fouls for biting the quarterback after taking him to the turf.

“Quarterback taste good,” Ruffansore said after his most recent $50,000 fine for biting a chunk out of New York Giants QB Eli Manning’s calf in a game last season.

In light of the recent brouhaha surrounding Baltimore Ravens Wide Receiver Ray Rice cold-cocking his fiancee in an Atlantic City elevator, and Minnesota Vikings ace running back Adrian Peterson’s run in with the law for allegedly beating one of his children bloody with a stick, the head office of the NFL has decided to clamp down on these sorts of shenanigans.

“Ruffansore will not be eligible for the Pro Bowl this year,” Goodell said. “And if he is convicted of these crimes, he will be suspended from the NFL for however long his prison term happens to be.”

Ruffansore’s lawyer and agent Solly Weaselofsky, said that Goodell was just nitpicking in the face of the recent Rice/Peterson incidents and that his client had the corpses stored in a walk-in freezer because “otherwise, they spoil.”

Authorities are working on identifying the frozen corpses, some of which seem to have been in the freezer for a number of years. Most seemed to be wearing uniforms indicating they were involved with some sort of home service employment, like cable installers, meter checkers, and the like. Some appeared to be prostitutes. Goodell said the league would check with the rules committee to see if there were any violations of league rules involved with murdering, freezing and eating portions of prostitutes.

“It’s all so unseemly,” Goodell said, dabbing tears from his eyes.

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