Uncle Dick, Uncle Rummy and Little Dubya

Many American families have one – the weird uncle no one wants anything to do with. You feel obligated to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner but, secretly, you hope he won’t show up. America has a weird uncle and his name is Dick Cheney.

Uncle Dick, a blame-shifter and practitioner of the dark arts, inhabits an alternate universe – a universe where facts are not facts, events that took place never took place and events that never took place did take place. Confused? We’ll let Uncle Dick’s good friend Donald Rumsfeld explain it.

There are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.

Rumsfeld actually said that at a Department of Defense news briefing in February 2002 about the lack of evidence linking the government of Iraq to supplying weapons of mass destruction to terrorist groups. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Back to Uncle Dick.

Uncle Dick was a professional draft dodger during the war in Vietnam. From his perspective as a young man, war was bad. But when he became Chairman and CEO of Halliburton and then Vice-President of the United States under President Little Dubya, Uncle Dick had a change of heart. He decided war was a good thing and should be enjoyed by everyone.

We already had the war in Afghanistan. It was fun, but Uncle Dick was a proponent of what he liked to call a “two-war strategy.” A second war would be good. But where to have it?

Iraq! That would be a great place to have a second war. The first war against Iraq, Operation Desert Storm, had gone well back in 1991. This one would be quick and easy too. We would give Saddam the boot and be greeted as liberators.

So, Uncle Dick concocted a series of lies about Saddam Hussein collecting weapons of mass destruction.

“We know he’s been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons,” said Uncle Dick.

Uncle Dick’s friend Rumsfeld, another weird uncle who was appointed by Little Dubya to be Secretary of Defense, predicted a quick victory in Iraq.

“I can’t tell you if the use of force in Iraq today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it won’t last any longer than that,” said Uncle Rummy.

So Uncle Dick got his second war to go along with the one in Afghanistan. Saddam Hussein was deposed and Uncle Dick was pleased.

“In Iraq, a ruthless dictator cultivated weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them. He gave support to terrorists, had an established relationship with al Qaeda, and his regime is no more,” said Uncle Dick.

Uncle Dick thought it would be really cool if Little Dubya would dress up in a flight suit, make a dramatic landing on the deck of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and declare victory. So he did.

On May 1, 2003, just six weeks after the invasion of Iraq began, Little Dubya stood in front of a huge “Mission Accomplished” banner and announced that “Major combat operations in Iraq have ended.”

Yahoo! Uncle Dick was right. Uncle Rummy was right.

But then a group of Iraqi people appeared on the scene who weren’t too happy that the United States had invaded their country. They weren’t too thrilled with the whole “shock and awe” thing. Not only were they not shocked and awed, but Uncle Dick, Uncle Rummy and Little Dubya hadn’t won their hearts and minds either. These non-shocked and awed Iraqis were called insurgents. They started shooting back, planting bombs and doing all kinds of bad things. Uncle Dick optimistically predicted a quick end to the insurgency.

“I think they’re in the last throes, if you will, of the insurgency,” said Uncle Dick in 2005.

But it didn’t work out that way. Iran, a very powerful neighbor of Iraq, and once their biggest enemy, decided they liked the new government Uncle Dick and Uncle Rummy had arranged for Iraq. Nouri al-Maliki, the new prime minister, was a Shi’ite, just like the folks who run Iran. Iraq and Iran soon became best friends. And Iran began helping the insurgents fight the young Americans Uncle Dick, Uncle Rummy and Little Dubya had sent to Iraq.

Things got bad. Really bad. And soon, Uncle Dick’s time as Vice-President was over. He and his friends Rummy and Little Dubya had to go home. A new President, Barack Obama, was sworn in.

So Uncle Dick, Uncle Rummy and Little Dubya went home, leaving the new President with a crippled economy and a huge mess in Iraq and Afghanistan to clean up. A really huge mess.

Iran’s new best friend, Nouri al-Maliki, refused to sign a status of forces agreement with the United States. And without a status of forces agreement, all American forces would have to leave. There was no choice. And so, in December 2011, the last American forces left Iraq.

Most Americans thought that was a good thing. Nine years, you see, is a long time to fight a war that most people don’t think should have been fought in the first place. But, quite frankly, it just broke Uncle Dick’s heart. It’s true. It broke his heart and he had to get a new one.

But that was then and this is now.

Now, in 2014, Syria is in the midst of a civil war and it’s spilling over into Iraq. Things are really falling apart and Uncle Dick wants everyone to think it’s not his fault. Uncle Dick says the mess in Iraq and Syria is entirely the fault of President Obama. It’s true. Uncle Dick really said that.

But, the strange thing is, Uncle Dick had predicted that just such a thing would happen. You see, Uncle Dick was Secretary of Defense under Little Dubya’s daddy, President George H.W. Bush. Uncle Dick had helped arrange the first Gulf War, Operation Desert Storm, to kick Saddam’s forces out of Kuwait. That war went pretty well. But some on the far right were not happy. They thought Daddy Bush and Uncle Dick quit too soon. They said Daddy Bush and Uncle Dick should have continued into Baghdad and kicked out Saddam. So Uncle Dick explained that taking out the government in Baghdad would be a huge mistake. . .READ MORE

By: Dave

Dave is the webmaster of StrangerAmerica.com, a website devoted to the greatness that is Dick Cheney.

He is also the creator of RonnieReagan.com, a site devoted to a man considered by some to have been one of the better B-grade actors to portray a U.S. president.

You will find the complete writings of Dave at LookAmerica.com, including his quest for the perfect meatball and his encounters with Pat the Nazi and the Psycho Dentist.