(SATIRE ALERT) BREAKING NEWS: NRA And NEA To Merge

In a surprise move that caught much of official Washington and the rest of the nation off-guard, the National Rifle Association (NRA) and the National Education Association (NEA) today announced an historic agreement whereby the two organizations will combine forces and merge, creating a new entity: the National Rifle Education Association, or NREA. Current NRA Executive Director Wayne LaPierre and NEA Executive Director John C. Stocks will serve as Co-Presidents of the newly-formed group.

The merger is being hailed as a way to address the some of the most pressing challenges facing both organizations: the shocking decline in NRA memberships following the Sandy Hook School Massacre, and the growing public discontent with Common Core education standards. Under its new mission, the NREA announced two policies that will go into effect when classes resume in the fall. The first would provide all children with a lifetime NREA membership upon entering first grade. The second would scrap the Common Core program in favor of a more gun-friendly curriculum, which will be called “Reading, ‘Rriting and Rifles.”

Mr. LaPierre was enthusiastic about the merger. In a written statement he said, “The only thing that stops a bad student with a book is a good student with a gun.” The NEA’s Stocks was equally effusive. “Common Core never made common sense”, he said. “We’ve known for a long time that teaching children basic reading, math and science skills did not adequately prepare them for the real world. Nowadays, it is essential that all kids learn how to wield firearms in the most effective and deadly way possible.”

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle expressed optimism about the merger. Reached while he was enjoying a shot of whiskey at Kooky’s Pub in his hometown of Reading, Ohio, House Speaker John Boehner said, “I know Wayne LaPierre to be a good and decent man who is always reasonable and willing to negotiate. It’s unfortunate that President Obama won’t do the same.” When told of the merger during his weekly boxing match with longtime sparring partner, Raymond “Sugar Ray” Bilbray, a visibly weary Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid stated, “I’m getting too old for this shit. Boxing is for sissies, anyway. I should have taken up guns years ago and learned to fight like a real man. Thanks to the new NREA, today’s kids hopefully won’t make the same mistake I made.”

A ceremony marking the official signing of the merger will be held at Ford’s Theatre in Washington DC on July 4. “We can think of no better place to commemorate this historic achievement”, LaPierre said, “than at the site of America’s first presidential assassination. It will be a reminder to all Americans that if only Abraham Lincoln had had sense enough to openly carry in 1865, we wouldn’t be here today.”

By: Mark Hersch

Mark Hersch is a Boston-bred, DC-raised liberal now living in Chicago with his liberal wife and two liberal dogs.