SATIRE: Oklahoma Considers More Efficient Means of Killing Its Prisoners

Annnnd…. HERE COMES THE HEARSE!!! (Wikipedia photo by John Silks, used under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported)

Well. That ended badly. After all the whole point of lethal injection is to make it appear as if the condemned prisoner is just going nitey-nite Jesus forever and ever! It will not do to have the condemned prisoners crying out in mortal pain, clawing at their restraints, kicking at the attendants, and not dying nice and politely like he’s supposed to.

But if they were civilized, they wouldn’t be on death row, would they? Unless they were falsely accused and convicted and an innocent person were subjected to this lethal and legal torture.

The governor, horrified by the fact that the prisoner didn’t die a nice quiet, expedient death like he was supposed to, has placed a 14-day moratorium on the execution that was supposed to be the night cap of last night’s murderous twin-bill.

Meanwhile, smarter people than I are considering what to do to satisfy the Oklahoman lust for criminal blood. After all, most conservatives, and by that we mean “most Okies”, think the tortured dead guy got off too easy. And that might be true. After all, life in prison would seem to most people to be a far worse punishment for capital crimes (while being less expensive to the taxpayers than the death penalty while keeping the prisoner alive in the rare case that evidence is found at some later date proving his innocence, keeping fumble-thumbed executioners like Texas Governor Rick Perry from having to say “ooops” when the occasional innocent man is legally murdered by the state). And it would help to eliminate the racial disparity in those who are sentenced to death and those who are sentenced to a good talking-to and sent back to their mansions and mistresses with a promise to “never do that again.”

Here are some ideas being floated:

1. Five members of the victim’s family are given a tube sock filled with silver dollars, with which they use to beat the condemned to death. The benefit is, they get to keep the silver dollars.

2. Instead of life-ending drugs, the condemned gets a gag, a hood, and a veinful of battery acid. That’ll show ’em!

3. Drawing and quartering is an option. Think of the revenue the state could raise by making it a “pay-per-view” event on cable!

4. The condemned prisoner is led into a wood paneled office, dressed in the uniform of a Nazi, rank of major or higher. He is accused of betraying Hitler. The warden sets a gun down on the desk and tells the prisoner to “think of the shame to your loved ones if we have to do this publicly. You know what you have to do.” They step outside and wait for the gunshot. The body is then sent to a rendering plant to be used in dog food.

5. The prisoner is strapped to a chair, his eyes forced open ala “Clockwork Orange” and forced to watch “Honey Boo Boo” episodes with the commercials removed. The prisoner is able to access a button that, when pressed, sends a lethal electric charge into his eyeballs.

See? There are no problems that cannot be solved if enough intelligently murderous minds work on it!

Good luck with that next execution, Oklahoma…

…hang on. Inspiration just took a dump on my brain!

BOOMER SOONER! They yell that at every Oklahoma football game. I have no idea what it means. But I like the sound of it.

The condemned is packed into a cannon with 50lbs of gunpowder, grapeshot and other explosive stuff. The fuse is lit. The cannon is pointed at a Planned Parenthood clinic (do they still have those in Oklahoma?), and…

BOOMER SOONER!!!

Darn, I’m brilliant.

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