Suicide Note From Senate Aide In Kiddie Porn Arrest Claims He Was Abused

It’s a sad postscript to a story that shocked Capitol Hill: an aide to Sen. Lamar Alexander who had been arrested for possession of child pornography left a suicide note apologizing and claiming that he had been a victim of sexual abuse as a child.

In the tell-all letter that claims to have been written by Ryan Loskarn before his death, the 35-year-old apologizes for his “painful and humiliating” crimes and reveals that his own sexual abuse began at the age of 5.

“I owe many, many people an explanation — if that’s even possible — and that’s why I’ve written this letter,” the letter posted online begins.

“I found myself drawn to videos that matched my own childhood abuse,” the letter reads. “It’s painful and humiliating to admit to myself, let alone the whole world, but I pictured myself as a child in the image or video.”

Loskarn, who served as chief of staff to Sen. Lamar Alexander, allegedly tells that the first time he saw child pornography was purely by accident — while searching for online music for downloading.

Somehow it resonated with him and he distorted his mind into believing that as a boy, the abuse he experienced was exactly what he wanted to have done to him.

“This is my deepest, darkest secret,” the letter reads.

Loskam claims that he only told three friends in his life about what happened to him, “and then fleetingly so.”

In the letter he never names the person who abused him.

By: dave-dr-gonzo

David Hirsch, a.k.a. Dave "Doctor" Gonzo*, is a renegade record producer, video producer, writer, reformed corporate shill, and still-registered lobbyist for non-one-percenter performing artists and musicians. He lives in a heavily fortified compound in one of Manhattan's less trendy neighborhoods.

* Hirsch is the third person to use the pseudonym, a not-so-veiled tribute to journalist and author Hunter S. Thompson, with the permission of his predecessors Gene Gaudette of American Politics Journal (currently webmaster and chief bottlewasher at Liberaland) and Stephen Meese at Smashmouth Politics.