Televangelist: If You Masturbate Your Hands Will Be Pregnant In Afterlife
A Turkish preacher has a stern warning for men:
Turkish preacher Mücahid Cihad Han told viewers that masturbation was forbidden in Islam.
“One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights,” he said during his program on private television station 2000 TV, according to The Hurriyet Daily News.
Copyright 2015 Liberaland
mea_mark May 26th, 2015 at 13:08
Don’t tell that to the potential martyrs. Pregnant hands and virgins will be very confusing.
William May 26th, 2015 at 13:20
When you think about it, extremists in both religions are not that far apart.
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 13:41
Here’s the real reason. http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CAcQjRw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.rtgmin.org%2F2012%2F06%2F08%2Fdinosaurs-extinct%2F&ei=H7BkVZ-sOcaHsQSDvoE4&bvm=bv.93990622,d.cWc&psig=AFQjCNGRlbKZbdPfnKf2tzSTUZ4IESeXZA&ust=1432748445030759
Dwendt44 May 26th, 2015 at 17:02
I thought it was because they were all gay.
Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:39
Some believe the appearance of the Attorneysaurus.
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 13:49
The religious right thinks Alley Oop is a documentary. On the site where I got the below image, one of the links leads to “Returning to Genesis” and it contains the following explanation for why the dinosaurs died out:
There are various reasons why dinosaurs (and other animals) became extinct. One theory is that dinosaurs may have terrorized people and eaten their cattle or other farm-raised animals, so people hunted them to extinction. Another theory is that they ran out of food and began to kill each other. Still another theory is that the climate affected their survival. There are several other reasons why animals become extinct. Maybe the endangered species program should have started earlier?
FatRat May 26th, 2015 at 17:38
(One theory is that dinosaurs may have terrorized people and eaten their cattle or other farm-raised animals, so people hunted them to extinction.)
I too ascribe to Prof. Harryhausen theory of T-Rex gobbling up livestock and consequently they had to be dealt with rather harshly. lol
http://www.fmvmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Valley6.jpg
whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 13:38
these people are dealing with their own demons. they are so hung up on sex!!!! makes me wanna send to them the worse porno mag out there.
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 13:42
Since when is masturbation “having intercourse with your hands”? If that’s how they understand sex, it’s a wonder they haven’t died out themselves.
Khary A May 26th, 2015 at 13:45
Show of pregnant hands, How many of us are going to have at least quintuplets?
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 13:50
I’m afraid my mouse may get pregnant if I upvote you.
Khary A May 26th, 2015 at 13:54
HAAAAA!
whatthe46 May 26th, 2015 at 14:46
HA!!!!!!!!!!!
MarcoZandrini May 26th, 2015 at 19:04
Ding, ding, ding! Stop the internet tubes. We have our winnah!
Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 22:15
It’s the only toy I never got tired of.
Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 14:25
Wait a minute! I heard that if you masturbate, you’ll go blind – or your wiener will fall off! Who am I to believe? I wish these religious fanatics would get their punishments straight so I’ll know exactly why I’m going to hell!
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 14:28
Don’t forget the hair on your palms.
Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 14:51
I had no idea masturbation also causes hair to grow on your palms. When does that start? I’m 60 years old and I think by now I should be blind and have at least some peach fuzz on my palms!
Larry Schmitt May 26th, 2015 at 14:59
That was one of the things I heard when I was a kid. I don’t think any of those scare tactics (including the threat of eternal damnation) kept a single boy from spanking his monkey.
David Ish May 26th, 2015 at 17:33
I am near-sighted
Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 21:30
You’ve obviously spent most of your time spanking the monkey when you were younger. Now, when you die, your right hand will become pregnant with quadruplets.
Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 22:17
I’m 66 and have macular degeneration but I never miss a chance to squeegee my porpoise.
phantom_scribbler May 26th, 2015 at 22:20
Funny JackE.
Jack E Raynbeau May 26th, 2015 at 22:30
Fancy meeting you here.
catherinette May 27th, 2015 at 01:21
In the Catholic religion they said it makes you deaf .
Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:38
What happened to “weakening of the spine”?
catherinette May 27th, 2015 at 11:41
osteoporosis . :)
CHOCOL8MILK May 26th, 2015 at 15:04
Getting a second mortgage. I’ll have a lot of hand babies to support in the afterlife.
F_cons May 26th, 2015 at 15:40
Dear dog. these psychotic “religions” are just amazing, laughable, pitiful, hateful, ignorant, stupid, frightening, … Never mind, there aren’t enough words to describe them
bpollen May 26th, 2015 at 15:42
The hand that whacketh shall be knocked up.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
robert May 26th, 2015 at 15:56
better to get stoned then to stone your wife
back at ya preacher !
tracey marie May 26th, 2015 at 16:07
just like our teabalican, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Suzanne McFly May 26th, 2015 at 17:52
Woooo Hooooo, I am a woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No millions of little ones for me lol.
arc99 May 26th, 2015 at 18:19
I am a man so I suppose I will engage in safe practices by donning latex gloves.
Problem solved..
Suzanne McFly May 26th, 2015 at 18:25
Good remedy.
Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:37
You’ll get the usual: peritendinitis.
StoneyCurtisll May 26th, 2015 at 18:11
Looks like I’m going to be having twins.(in the after life)
CHOCOL8MILK May 26th, 2015 at 18:29
On a side note, May is National Masturbation Month! As such, here’s some info about health benefits of masturbation.
http://www.askmen.com/news/sports/the-health-benefits-of-masturbation.html
Chris May 26th, 2015 at 19:04
In a strange way, it’s kinda comforting to know that another faith has its wacky interpreters, too. We don’t corner the market on crazy.
ExPFCWintergreen May 26th, 2015 at 21:17
A reading from the Book of Hef. Yea, verily, thus spake the Lord ‘n’ Save-yer: spanketh not, lest ye maketh Rosie Palm for to bringeth forth multitudes of the Heavenly Host after ye die.
Bunya May 26th, 2015 at 21:30
LOL!!!!!
cecilia May 26th, 2015 at 21:24
did Mücahid Cihad Han’s mommy NOT have “The Talk” with him??
he doesn’t seem to understand anything about the birds and the bees
fahvel May 27th, 2015 at 02:28
too bad immigration to the usa is becoming difficult – like cruz, this cretin would fit in the clown car perfectly.
rg9rts May 27th, 2015 at 07:37
What happened to hairy palms???
Greebo May 27th, 2015 at 10:27
So – this guy considers pregnancy a punishment. Telling.