SATIRE: Racking Up The Corpses For Ratings And Profits
OK, OK, OK, just hear me out. I have an idea for a show that will be MURDER in the ratings!
John Walsh is doing great work right now with his new show, “The Hunt.” I mean, Hay-Zeus Crisco! Already, two accused criminals, cold and stiff in the morgue.
The show has been on the air now, for what? Three weeks? And already two corpses? Don’t you see what I’m getting at?
First thing we do is change the name of the show. “The Hunt.” Who thought of that? This isn’t “The Outdoors Channel” This is C-N-Freakin’-N, for God’s sake. This is the major leagues, Bubbala! Let’s go big or go home. Right? Right?
Great. OK. So, we change the focus of the show from CATCHING these suspected criminals to KILLING them. We change the name of the show to “John Walsh, Avenging Angel of Death.”
Don’t say a word. The look on your face tells me you love it.
OK. Here’s the tag. “Exposed on Sunday, Slabbed by Monday!” Now, we might not meet that goal EVERY week, but that’s no reason not to TRY!
And even better? Let’s say we run a story about Joe Bob Schmuckatella who, let’s say, buried his family up to their necks in their back yard and ran lawnmowers over them. Just think of the simulation, and the eyeballs stuck to the screen as we promo the SHIT out of that! God, my nipples are tingling!
Now, has Schmuckatella been convicted? Has he even been charged? WHO KNOWS? And who CARES, really. All we know is the back yard of his house was a bloody, gore-streaked mess and nobody can find Joe Bob. So he MUSTA done it, right?
Right.
Now, here’s the part that will get the advertisers throwing bags filled with money at us.
We use the old format, folks call in their tips, we find the scumbag…
AND WE SEND IN JOHN WALSH TO PRESS THE BUTTON!
Yeah! Think of it. We could rerun that sunnuvabidge EVERY NIGHT! They find Schmuckatella working as mop boy in the back room of an adult book store, they keep an eye on him until we can get Walsh there… and then he walks into the store (stepping very carefully cuz Schmuckatella ain’t done mopping yet) and he confronts the guy, declares him guilty, and before the poor bastard knows what’s happening, John pulls out a 9mm Glock and puts a little hole in the front of the creep’s head and a great BIG one in the BACK of his skull. LIVE!
Then, depending on how well this works out, we go “Dexter” on the bastiches! We have a crack team of investigators snatch the bad guy, bring him to a plastic-lined room where John Walsh shows the bound and naked twerp his victims, makes him watch his own story on a wide screen TV, and then tortures and kills him. Do they still make those old pneumatic dentist drills? Oh, man. Just think of the Monday morning numbers!!!
Talk to Walsh. Tie the gig to the murder of his son somehow. He’ll go along with it. Trust me on this.
Now, who wants lunch?
Click here for reuse options!Copyright 2014 Liberaland
By: Bill Schmalfeldt
I no longer use Twitter or Facebook because they are evil. I do continue to blog at http://Schmalfeldt.org, where you can get information about other stuff I do, like comedy/parody CDs and MP3 downloads and audiobooks and such. Get yours now. When I'm dead, there will be a drastic price increase.
14 responses to SATIRE: Racking Up The Corpses For Ratings And Profits
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tiredoftea August 3rd, 2014 at 23:14
Why don’t we pitch this to the NRA channel? They’d eat this up. A “Good Guy” with a gun of the week avenges whatever grievance they have voted on with the NRA app for iPhones, Androids and Windows Phones, if they still exist, of course! They could even award NRA Lifetime Memberships to whichever mouth breather fingers the suspect/perp/ neighbor! Brilliant!!
tiredoftea August 3rd, 2014 at 23:14
Why don’t we pitch this to the NRA channel? They’d eat this up. A “Good Guy” with a gun of the week avenges whatever grievance they have voted on with the NRA app for iPhones, Androids and Windows Phones, if they still exist, of course! They could even award NRA Lifetime Memberships to whichever mouth breather fingers the suspect/perp/ neighbor! Brilliant!!
greenfloyd August 4th, 2014 at 00:16
You know Bill Schmalfeldt, you bear an uncanny resemblance to Joe Bob Schmuckatella. The Hunt blooper-reel could also be a goldmine. “Opps! Wrong guy…”
I think your satire lacks a key ingredient. Satire is speaking truth to power, shaming the rich, the powerful for misdeeds but in a way that makes people laugh, as well as think. Many satirists become political prisoners, if they are any good at it.
Eric Trommater August 4th, 2014 at 00:49
So you are saying it lacks satire? I thought I was the only one. It reminds me of something grandfather used to say about cheap whiskey:
“It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with it. After drinking it straight though you are left with the impression that even though it is whiskey, what it really seems to lack is whiskey.”
greenfloyd August 4th, 2014 at 01:12
Just wanted to add, although I don’t see the satrie, I still appreciate your attempt. By all means keep writing and trying.
Bill Schmalfeldt August 4th, 2014 at 10:16
Well, I appreciate the criticism. To me, I thought the satire might have been a bit too obvious, but I’m the guy who wrote it. I find, like most living things, satire dies under the vivisectionist’s scalpel, so I will refrain from trying to dissect my own creation.
I like the idea of, “Ooops! Wrong Guy!” as the working title of a reality show, though…
floyd[@]greenfloyd.org August 4th, 2014 at 00:16
You know Bill Schmalfeldt, you bear an uncanny resemblance to Joe Bob Schmuckatella. The Hunt blooper-reel could also be a goldmine. “Opps! Wrong guy…”
I think your satire lacks a key ingredient. Satire is speaking truth to power, shaming the rich, the powerful for misdeeds in a way that makes people laugh, as well as think. Many satirists become political prisoners, if they are any good at it.
Eric Trommater August 4th, 2014 at 00:49
So you are saying it lacks satire? I thought I was the only one. It reminds me of something grandfather used to say about cheap whiskey:
“It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong with it. After drinking it straight though you are left with the impression that even though it is whiskey, what it really seems to lack is whiskey.”
floyd[@]greenfloyd.org August 4th, 2014 at 01:12
Just wanted to add, although I don’t see the satrie, I still appreciate your attempt. By all means keep writing and trying.
Bill Schmalfeldt August 4th, 2014 at 10:16
Well, I appreciate the criticism. To me, I thought the satire might have been a bit too obvious, but I’m the guy who wrote it. I find, like most living things, satire dies under the vivisectionist’s scalpel, so I will refrain from trying to dissect my own creation.
I like the idea of, “Ooops! Wrong Guy!” as the working title of a reality show, though…
Abby Normal August 4th, 2014 at 01:03
You need a hobby.
R.J. Carter August 4th, 2014 at 10:19
There’s always the classic “It was a dark and stormy night.” :-)
Abby Normal August 4th, 2014 at 01:03
Bill:
I’m working on my first book and need some literary advice. I’m trying to decide which of these sentences to open with:
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “second tall man in crowd.”
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy plain, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.
R.J. Carter August 4th, 2014 at 10:19
There’s always the classic “It was a dark and stormy night.” :-)