American Conservative (Satire Alert)
A•mer’•i•can Con•serv’•a•tive
The American Conservative (Nutjobilus Teabaggeryx ‘Muricanus) is a low-evolutionary primate; a homunculus that resembles Homo Sapiens but lacks key characteristics found in actual human beings, such as empathy, compassion and tolerance.
Conservatives are descendants of early hunter-gatherers. Now they rarely hunt, and gather only weapons and ammunition.
The Conservative moves freely in public but is easily spotted, owing to its small head and dragging knuckles. Its natural habitat is concentrated almost exclusively in the Southern and Midwestern United States – particularly in the low-lying, swamp-filled backwaters and bayous of the south. A related species (Neo-Nazilum Gunrunneryx ‘Muricanus) is found mostly in the sparsely populated mountain regions ranging from Montana to Idaho.
The Conservative diet consists mainly of Chick-Fil-A, Hardee’s, and food substitutes such as Velveeta and Beef Jerky. While they consume vast quantities of Budweiser beer and Jack Daniels whiskey, their favorite beverage is tea.
The unintelligible, guttural ramblings of Conservatives can be disturbing. Their frequent Tourette’s-like outbursts of the word “Benghazi” makes them appear infected with a form of rage, much like the zombies in the movie “28 Days Later”, but they can be brought to a less agitated state simply by turning off Fox News. Do not try to reason with Conservatives using logic. They often hide in dark, soundproof places – particularly under rocks and in echo chambers – where no widely-known facts can penetrate. Do not try to humiliate Conservatives, for they are simple-minded creatures lacking the gene that produces shame. They are unable to experience embarrassment.
Unwilling to learn and impossible to educate, Conservatives attempt to mask their low cognitive aptitude in written communication, such as Facebook comments and anti-government protest signs, but they’re easily detected by virtue of their inability to spell.
Conservatives are easily outraged, particularly by the sight of dark-skinned people in positions of authority, and have been known to attack without warning. But the greatest threat Conservatives pose is to the planet, for they have a complete disregard for science and the looming climatic catastrophe.
Evolutionary experts are optimistic however, that genetics and demographics will eradicate the species before the damage is irreversible The World Wildlife Fund has decided not to intervene, declining to place the American Conservative on its Endangered Species list, and allowing them to become extinct sometime in the mid-21st century.
Click here for reuse options!Copyright 2014 Liberaland
By: Mark Hersch
Mark Hersch is a Boston-bred, DC-raised liberal now living in Chicago with his liberal wife and two liberal dogs.
19 responses to American Conservative (Satire Alert)
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BanditBasheert June 27th, 2014 at 14:13
Can I like this 100 times? Like the Whigs, the TeaBaggers will vanish from the earth and we will all live peacefully. They won’t be the first group of nuts that went extinct.
Eric Trommater June 27th, 2014 at 14:45
I thought I was the only one who missed those purple macadamia nuts before they went extinct. Man weren’t those tasty!
Oh you meant The Tea Party. Yeah nobody’s gonna miss those bozos.
granpa.usthai June 27th, 2014 at 16:55
Talk about breeching the 1st!
Foxx News will vanish due to lack of audience.
M D Reese June 27th, 2014 at 17:07
We had a local gaggle of them for a year or two that used to stand on a corner with signs–sad actually. They have either dissolved or are keeping a low profile and prepping for the coming zombie apocalypse…
BanditBasheert June 27th, 2014 at 14:13
Can I like this 100 times? Like the Whigs, the TeaBaggers will vanish from the earth and we will all live peacefully. They won’t be the first group of nuts that went extinct.
Eric Trommater June 27th, 2014 at 14:45
I thought I was the only one who missed those purple macadamia nuts before they went extinct. Man weren’t those tasty!
Oh you meant The Tea Party. Yeah nobody’s gonna miss those bozos.
granpa.usthai June 27th, 2014 at 16:55
Talk about breeching the 1st!
Foxx News will vanish due to lack of audience.
M D Reese June 27th, 2014 at 17:07
We had a local gaggle of them for a year or two that used to stand on a corner with signs–sad actually. They have either dissolved or are keeping a low profile and prepping for the coming zombie apocalypse…
R.J. Carter June 27th, 2014 at 14:30
Ah, yes — the tried-and-true dehumanizing of the opponent by casting them as a separate species.
Eric Trommater June 27th, 2014 at 15:12
. . . . . wait for it . . . . . and they smell like an elephant’s butt!
M D Reese June 27th, 2014 at 17:01
I’d say that the teabagger’s and their ilk have pretty much separated themselves from the rest of the species without any help from anybody else. They are constantly reinforcing the idea that they are different.
Eric Trommater June 27th, 2014 at 15:12
. . . . . wait for it . . . . . and they smell like and elephant’s butt!
granpa.usthai June 27th, 2014 at 16:53
funny. -enjoyed immensely. will create some form of ‘self-pity’ feedback for sure. a must read to by mommie for all teabaggers. rated 5.2 out of 4.0 !!!
granpa.usthai June 27th, 2014 at 16:53
funny. -enjoyed immensely. will create some form of ‘self-pity’ feedback for sure. a must read to by mommie for all teabaggers. rated 5.2 out of 4.0 !!!
M D Reese June 27th, 2014 at 17:01
I’d say that the teabagger’s and their ilk have pretty much separated themselves from the rest of the species without any help from anybody else. They are constantly reinforcing the idea that they are different.
Dwendt44 June 28th, 2014 at 00:13
Closer to the truth than some will admit.
Dwendt44 June 28th, 2014 at 00:13
Closer to the truth than some will admit.
Buelligan Jimi July 1st, 2014 at 07:02
Let’s make this abomination an “endangered species” this November.
Cold War Veteran July 1st, 2014 at 07:02
Let’s make this abomination an “endangered species” this November.