SATIRE: I Refuse To Let Michael Sam Shove His Gayness Down My Throat

(I actually had another headline written for this piece, but I was afraid that it would never get past the editor if I suggested that Michael Sam wanted to shove his gayness in any of my other body openings, even though I meant it in the least sexual way possible. This seemed to be a safer option.)

Like Americans For Truth About Homosexuality president Peter LaBarbera, I and every other normal red-blooded manly man are revolted by the way the networks are allowing Michael Sam, the first openly “gay” homosexual professional football player to kiss his boyfriend. On TV. Where kids can see it.

What in God’s name are they trying to do to this country? Turn us all into a bunch of limp-wristed, lace panty-wearing, effeminate, sissy, girly men like Michael Sam? Oh sure, he looks like he could tear your head off with one hand and stuff a tastefully-arranged bouquet of flowers into your neck with the other, but that’s just to fool us into thinking that these… these… homosexuals are in any way manly men like men who do manly things with men, the way men are supposed to. Things like hunting. Or target shooting. Or just taking out your big gun and polishing it. Polishing the long, hard barrel with oil until it’s good and sleek and shiny. They way man like their guns to glisten before discharging their hot, deadly loads.

Peter LaBarbera was right when he said in an interview with Jim Schneider on the Voice of Christian Youth program “Crosstalk” when a caller credited LaBarbera and pastor Scott Lively for making “great strides abroad in places like Uganda,” (where they know what to DO with limp-wristed girly men like Michael Sam) LaBarbera lamented that “America is leaving God behind and we’ve become one of the most radical nations on Earth now.”

Yes. Even if your friends don’t see things your way, sometimes you are forced to leave your friends behind before they make you swallow something you clearly do not want to swallow. And that is the sin of gay homosexuality and lesbianity. Every television station that showed these two “men” expressing their love for each other with the pressing of their lips together in an affectionate burst of affection should lose their FCC licenses for profanity. Because gay homosexual kissing is… gay!

And you know what will happen next? All the other players in the NFL that haven’t been lured to the gay homosexual lifestyle are going to be seduced by the Devil’s sweet song of sex with other men. The “center/quarterback exchange” will take on a whole new meaning as the “quick snap” becomes a thing of the past, to be replaced by numerous delay-of-game penalties as sissy boy quarterbacks linger with their HANDS down THERE to get the BALL, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The “option” will no longer mean a running quarterback has the option to keep the ball, pass it, or flip it to another runner, but will instead refer to the “option” of gay homosexual “marriages” at halftime.

And you just know that showering after the game is going to become a hot, steamy, soapy, frothy, shampooey, sweet-smelling, close-quarters, bodies rubbing together making that sound that wet naked flesh makes when smacking against other wet, naked flesh as the jets of hot, hot, almost too hot water pelt the naked flesh until it turns pink and the muffled cries of delight can barely be heard over the sound of rushing water, the squelching sound lotion bottles make when they’re almost empty, the smell of aloe, and wet, naked bodies being slapped and smacked and rubbed until I just can’t stand it anymore.

No. I will not give into the sin that dares not speak my name. I will NOT let the good looks and bulging muscles and charming smile and sleek, panther-like power of Michael Sam turn ME into a gay homosexual. Which is what they want. They say they don’t want me because I’m old and fat and bald and not all that attractive, but deep down inside, I can feel it. I can feel it inside me, probing, searching, like a curious little rodent. They want me. They know they want me. They’re just scared to say so. Because they’re sissies. They’re pansies. They’re gay homosexuals and they want to have hot, naked, degrading, anonymous sex with me. Me! Me! Always with Me!

We must resist.

By: Bill Schmalfeldt

I no longer use Twitter or Facebook because they are evil. I do continue to blog at http://Schmalfeldt.org, where you can get information about other stuff I do, like comedy/parody CDs and MP3 downloads and audiobooks and such. Get yours now. When I'm dead, there will be a drastic price increase.