SATIRE: A Benghazi Conspiracy So Shocking, So Startling, I Can’t Believe I Made Up The Whole Darn Thing!

OK. This is going to be complicated. I’m going to need all your attention if we’re going to get through this. So concentrate. Focus. Pay attention.

Here goes, and if you hear a loud report, like the sound of a high-powered rifle, that’s just “them” trying to kill me before I can hit the “send” button on this revelation.

Here goes.

Hillary Clinton refused to recognize Boko Haram (which was intentionally named to sound like the rock band “Procol Harum” and thereby easier to ignore) as a terrorist group because she is in cahoots with their leader, Abubakar Shekau, to distract the American Media from Benghazi, which she planned in advance to ensure that Republicans would thwart any effort on behalf of the Administration to assist Nigeria in the prosecution of Boko Haram.

See? It’s a CONSPIRACY!

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton REFUSED to recognize Boko Haram as an officially recognized, certified, homogenized TERRUH group. She just wouldn’t do it. Every day, someone would ask her, “Hey, Secretary Clinton. As long as we’re killing Osama bin Laden and stuff, why don’t we go get that Boko Haram guy.” That person would be sent on assignment to a far off country, usually North Dakota, never to be heard from again.

After Hillary left office, the new Secretary of State John Kerry, who had no reason not to, went ahead and designated the group an official “Grade A, Triple Evil Terrorist Organization.”

Somewhere in New York, Hillary chuckled. It was already too late to stop her.

Having already answered all the questions a reasonable person could have about the tragedy that occurred in Benghazi while not asking any of her own, like “why did you boneheads vote against funding for more security,” she was safe. It was time to start plotting her eventual takeover of America by legitimate electoral means in 2016.

But she knew she wasn’t dealing with reasonable people. She was dealing with House Republicans.

So, it was necessary to have a fail-safe plan in place. As soon as House Republicans stopped wandering around the halls of Congress repeating the word “Obamacare” like mindless hens scratching for insects in the field, realizing that folks were actually digging on having health insurance that covered pre-existing conditions, sure enough they started bobbing their heads like pigeons do when they walk, saying “Benghazi?” “Benghazi?” “Benghazi?” with every step they took. Hillary knew that, his being tragically born as an invertebrate with a shiny, orange exoskeleton, Speaker Boehner would have no choice but to launch an 8th “super special, this time we mean it” investigation into the deaths of four brave Americans, who were mighty and brave and worth saving, not like the 85 pantywaists who died during the 13 attacks on American embassies that occurred during the Bush Administration.

Hillary knew she’d need…

(Imagine a dramatic sting, like in a detective radio show…)

…a distraction!

So, after giving a prearranged signal tied to a prearranged $50 bill to Shekau, whose name sounds like a shot from a laser cannon if you say it properly (sheh-KOW! sheh-KOW!), Boko Haram launched “Operation Distract the Wingnut Morons.”

Boko Harum kidnapped 270 or so Nigerian girls from their school and escaped into the jungle.

Button Quail: Sometimes mistaken for Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.), chairman of the 8th Consecutive House Special Committee on the Persecution of Hillary Clinton

The typical American Meathead Media immediately FORGOT all about the horrible death of four great Americans that could have been saved if Congress had approved the funding Secretary Clinton asked for if President barack HUSSEIN obama had just DONE something that every military expert testified would not have helped, not even a little bit, and started concentrating on the plight of these poor, helpless children, instead of the poor, helpless Republican congressmen wandering around the halls of Congress, bumping face first into the walls screaming “ben-GAH-zee, ben-GAH-zee” like angry button quails.

The Republicans even tried to HIJACK the #BRINGBACKOURGIRLS Twitter hashtag, which has shown as much success as the #CANCELCOLBERT hashtag had in getting Stephen Colbert promoted to the CBS Late Show next year.

According to Talking Points Memo, conservative pundit Ann Coulter, sometimes mistaken for a human female,  joined the band of conservatives mocking the #BringBackOurGirls social media campaign, which began as a way to call attention to the Nigerian girls kidnapped by Boko Haram.

Coulter did not say where “our country” was, how it got there, or what she would do to it when she got it back. But then, have you ever stopped when a dog was chasing your car to see what it would do if it caught it?

Like your car, “our country” would need a quick trip through the car wash, no doubt.

Not that conservatives don’t take the plight of these girls seriously, but can’t you SEE? It’s all a plot, a plan, a SCHEEEEEEEEME on the part of the nefarious Hillary Clinton to stop us from talking or thinking or reasking the same questions over and over and over again until we finally get the answers we want to hear instead of learning what actually happened.

She’s a clever one, that she-devil.

On a side note, Procol Harum (the band responsible for the official Republican theme song, “A Whiter Shade of Pale”) is believed to have joined an Islamic Extremist Cell operating in Yemen after being turned away from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, despite being nominated for some reason in 2012. Hillary didn’t name THEM an official terrorist group either.

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