Satire: Tiny Chunks Of News, Easily Digested

Sorry. Been gone for awhile. Neurologist told me to get out of this ongoing Twitter war. He looked real serious when he said it. It was the words,”stop engaging those people, or you will die.” Very motivating.

(Gail was miffed with me after this. “I’ve been telling you that for months,” she said. I tried to explain the difference between a wife telling her husband that she’s going to murder him if he doesn’t stop it versus hearing “you are going to die” from your doctor, but she wasn’t having it. Nor should she.)

So, I’ve been decompressing from the stress of dealing with people who are trying to kill me which you can read all about in my shiny new book “Cyber Ins@nity” available at the place you wind up when you click that link you just read past like it wasn’t even there.

Anyhoo…

I have a few back news items to clear up.

Item #1: CNN reports that pro-Russian activists in eastern Ukraine have told Vladimir Putin to фунт песка до его прямой кишки (contact me for translation) and will go ahead and hold their referendum about breaking away from Ukraine and joining Russia. This will no doubt anger the Russian president and cause an immediate invasion, meaning here in the states we will be forced to start referring to the country as “The Ukraine” again.

Item #2: BBC reports a man who admitted posting offensive tweets about stabbed Leeds teacher Ann Maguire is jailed for 8 weeks. We should adopt laws like that on this side of the pond. Words hurt. So do knives.

Item #3: The Washington Post reports Shelly Sterling isn’t giving up Clippers without a fight. http://wapo.st/1fRt87N Of course she’s not going to give up the team without a fight. Jeez, it’s not like she’s married to the Clippers or anything like that. (Get it? See, her husband is carrying on an open affair with a woman 90-years younger than he is, and she doesn’t say “boo” about that, but she will fight for… ah. You get it, right?)

Item #4: The Washington Post reports Monica Lewinsky is whining about being failed by feminists. http://wapo.st/1fRhzgO I can sympathize. She did, single handedly, show the world that it’s not who you know that counts in a male-boss, female-internship relationship.

Item #5: CNN offers this confusing tweet. “House panel to subpoena VA Secretary Eric Shinseki in dying veterans probe. http://cnn.it/1nrJxzQ” All right, I know it’s tough to convey an intelligent thought in 140-characters or less. Is the probe dying? Are the veterans dying? Are they dying from being probed? Who probed them? Shinseki? And what does this have to do with the missing Malaysian Flight 370?

Item #6: The Washington Post tweets, “The Obama administration is sending fewer than 10 people to help Nigeria find kidnapped girls http://wapo.st/1iv9o4p” Shameful. That number pales when compared to the number of Americans President George W. Bush sent to find the missing WMDs in Iraq. We can do better.

Item #7: The AP breathlessly tweets: “Burgers for breakfast? Some Burger King locations to add Whoppers, cheeseburgers and more to the breakfast menu: http://apne.ws/1jkrHOS” What? Wait. Hold on. Burgers are NOT for breakfast? Since WHEN? Did this suddenly become RUSSIA? Or The Ukraine?

Item #8: WaPo Tweets: Jet magazine dropping print, in favor of online-only format http://wapo.st/1fRUA57  Guess its father was NOT as bold as a Sergeant Major.

Item #9: WaPo also Tweets: The solutions to all our problems may be buried in PDFs that nobody reads http://wapo.st/Rv2lTj It’s like I’ve been saying all along! CHECK THE PDF’s! (Did I mention that “Cyber Ins@nity” is available as a PDF?)

Item #10: @Mollyesque Tweets: Maureen Dowd was really shockingly awful to Monica Lewinsky. She refers to this story in Slate. That’s OK, though. Maureen is probably that way to everyone.

I think we’re caught up.

By: Bill Schmalfeldt

I no longer use Twitter or Facebook because they are evil. I do continue to blog at http://Schmalfeldt.org, where you can get information about other stuff I do, like comedy/parody CDs and MP3 downloads and audiobooks and such. Get yours now. When I'm dead, there will be a drastic price increase.