Satire: ‘Goy Vey!’ GOP Shmendricks Shlep To Sheldon

It was schmaltzy shmooze fest on the Sabat as four of the most mainstream (meaning, “no chance!”) Republican presidential hopefuls for 2016 made with the old song and dance like Catskills Comedians for the Republican Jewish Coalition in Las Vegas Saturday.

Although the official reason for shlepping to Sin City was to speak to the conference, you are a meshugener if you don’t realize the Four Lads were performing for an audience of Billions. And by that, we mean dollars, as in what’s in the pockets of casino magnate, financier and mensch, Sheldon Adelson.

We’re told Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker kicked off the fun with a comedy routine that included his famous ventriloquist act, where he swaps jokes with a “talking piece of cheddar.”

He was followed by Ohio Gov. John Kasich who sang and tap-danced to a catchy little tune called, “Who’s John Kasich? I’m John Kasich!”

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush wowed the crowd by balancing spinning plates on sticks while conducting a trained poodle act.

But New Jersey Governor Chris Christie stole the show with a heart-rending rendition of “Ach, Mein Papa!” that sources say had Adelson wiping tears from his eyes. And here is where Gov. Christie brought unnecessary tsuris down on himself by singing a raucous, hip-grinding “Bridge Over Trouble Waters.” Adelson left the hall as Christie tried to blame his decision to do this lame bit of schtick on Bridget Kelly, but the collective opinion among attendees was that made him seem all the more a shmendrick and schmuck.

Adelson could not be reached for comment, but his wife was heard to offer some words of comfort to the weeping Christie. “Don’t worry, bubie,” she allegedly said. “You still got New Jersey! That’s no small potato, nu?”

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, who was invited but declined the invitation, told the press he regretted not being able to attend. “Prior commitments,” he said. And that may be a lucky break for him in the 2016 primaries when one considers the possible retribution from the conservative Christian wing that has taken over the GOP and the difficulties that appearing to beg for “Jew Money” might cause him with that bunch. Still, Sen, Paul defended his Jewish “street cred” by allegedly tweeting, “Christie fell on his tuches. Thought I would plotz.”

By: Bill Schmalfeldt

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