Satire: How We Can Use This Ukraine Deal To Our Advantage And Get Jesus To Come Back Quicker

As I’ve mentioned, I suffer from Parkinson’s disease. After 14 years of being blessed with this exquisite little inconvenience, I have proceeded into the early stages of what the sawbones call “Parkinson’s Disease Dementia.” (I suppose that since it’s neurologists we’re talking about and not typical surgeons, we ought to call them “sawbrains,” but let’s not quibble.)

Still, as David Letterman has said on many occasions, “There’s no ‘off’ to the ‘genius switch’.” And while in the shower today, scraping off the barnacles, I had a brainstorm on how we use this here Ukraine deal to our advantage.

Now, we can’t just start flinging ICBMs over there. That would be crazy, no matter what Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-Mars) say. As gratifying as it might be for a few minutes, we have to realize that Moscow isn’t just going to sit there and take it, and they’re certain to lob ICBMs right back at us, destroying much of our population, leaving only cockroaches, Republicans, and other invertebrates to run the remnants of this great society.

So, what to do?

Well, the soapier I got myself, the more I started thinking about the Bible. And my thoughts turned to the book of Revelations where the Antichrist causes the great armies of Gog and Magog (Russia — look it up!) to descend down on Israel on the plains of Armageddon in a climactic battle that will kill off a large percentage (I forget exactly how big a percentage, but big!) of humanity, thereby ushering in the return of Jesus Christ to kick commie booty!

All we need to do is to convince Israel to somehow get involved in this here Ukraine deal and give Putin (who is not the Antichrist, he’s the good guy in this scenario) an excuse to gather the combined armies of Russia and Ukraine and sweep down on Israel.  As foretold.

The Antichrist (Mr. 666 himself, and by that I mean President Obama) will not sit still for that and will throw wave after wave of the children of middle and lower class Americans to give their lives on the altar of freedom.

(Are you doubting that Obama is the Antichrist? Do I have to spell it out for you? “B-A-R-A-C-K (6) H-U-S-S-E-I (6) N-O-B-A-M-A (6)” Satisfied yet, backsliding non-believer?)

Once Jesus sees what’s going on, he’ll hop off His heavenly recliner and rapture up us Good Christians; then He can unleash His righteous sword, slay the wicked and righteous alike and sort them out at the throne of judgment. Or some such thing. I haven’t worked out all the details yet.

So, that’s one solution.

Or, we can work with the nations of Europe to place sanctions on Russia and make it very clear that it gets worse if he invades Ukraine, and we get the European Union to set aside its self-interests (for once) and realize they aren’t going to be getting any natural gas from Russia and stand with the United States as a united front against this new fascism that Putin’s hubris threatens to unleash on that part of the world. And then, maybe, when the Russian people are standing in bread lines again because nobody’s buying their natural gas and their income from the European Union has dwindled to nothing and the Russian people say to themselves, “Wait a minute, weren’t we doing OK until Putin started getting all invadey and stuff?” and then boot his butt out of the Kremlin and put someone in there who realizes he is NOT the reincarnation of Peter the Great (who, I hear, was actually Peter the Mediocre according to his wife) and is willing to work with the rest of the civilized world and not against it to bring about a new era of peace across the globe, we can realize a heaven on Earth instead of waiting for Jesus to come back and kick all our butts for us.

Or is that just crazy talk?

By: Bill Schmalfeldt

I no longer use Twitter or Facebook because they are evil. I do continue to blog at http://Schmalfeldt.org, where you can get information about other stuff I do, like comedy/parody CDs and MP3 downloads and audiobooks and such. Get yours now. When I'm dead, there will be a drastic price increase.